| During the time I have spent working at home, | | | | telemarketer why he thought I might want to |
| I have encountered many telemarketers. That's | | | | give up my virtually free phone deal and pay |
| how I found out about their radar: when I | | | | for line rental, he just started over with |
| went out to work telemarketers always rang in | | | | his script listing the number of free minutes |
| the evening while I was trying to cook or eat | | | | of air time they would "give" me. The fact |
| dinner, now they ring during the day when I | | | | that I would not use the air time seemed to |
| am trying to work at home. | | | | make no difference, there was nothing about |
| | | | that in his script and I had to resort to |
| A joke that arrived in my email made me | | | | abrupt termination of the call. |
| realise that I am not alone in being less | | | | |
| than fond of telemarketers. (In fact, they | | | | Next time I'll try this tip:- Tell the |
| are on my list right up with lawyers and | | | | Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and |
| estate agents.) I'll be sharing a few tips | | | | ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her |
| from this joke with you throughout this | | | | home phone number so you can call him/her |
| article but, if you want to read all 20 of | | | | back. When the Telemarketer explains that |
| them, you can see them at my website on the | | | | telemarketers cannot give out their home |
| same page as this article. | | | | numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone |
| | | | bothering you at home, right?" The |
| I can usually identify telemarketers | | | | Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me |
| immediately because they will almost | | | | either!" Hang up. |
| inevitably open with "Good morning, madam. | | | | |
| How are you today?" Nobody but a telemarketer | | | | The telemarketer who wanted me to switch to a |
| would dream of ringing a person and | | | | new power supplier taught me a lot about the |
| addressing her as "madam". Presumably that is | | | | telemarketing profession. The power supply |
| a marketing technique which is supposed to | | | | marketers who turn up on my doorstep, accost |
| give the illusion that you are the customer | | | | me in the supermarket or telephone me, |
| and the telemarketer is there to serve you | | | | usually baffle me with figures, blind me with |
| but it just gives me the idea that I should | | | | science and leave me feeling I should sign up |
| have let the answering machine pick up this | | | | with them immediately. The last one to phone |
| call. The tip for circumventing the whole | | | | me happened to ring while I was in my office |
| thing is:- As soon as you realize it is a | | | | at home and I had my power bills to hand. The |
| Telemarketer, scream "Oh my God!" and then | | | | telemarketer asked me how much I paid each |
| hang up. | | | | month to my power supplier and then assured |
| | | | me that he could save me 30% on my bills. I |
| It took me quite a while to get to grips with | | | | was impressed and asked how he calculated |
| the constant annoyance of telemarketing | | | | that figure. He informed me that he had a |
| calls. I was brought up to be polite but I | | | | "chart". In an effort to finally understand |
| eventually discovered it is impossible to get | | | | the mysteries of calculating these savings, I |
| rid of telemarketers without resorting to | | | | asked the telemarketer to give me an exact |
| rudeness. I don't ask these people to ring me | | | | breakdown of the amount his company would |
| up and try to sell me things I don't want: | | | | charge for my most recent electricity bill. |
| everything from jigsaw puzzles and books, | | | | He said he couldn't because he was not good |
| through lingerie and cinema tickets to health | | | | at maths. As he had given me the price per |
| insurance and mobility aids. As I | | | | unit, I found it pretty easy to calculate for |
| (thankfully) am and always have been fully | | | | myself but I couldn't understand why the cost |
| mobile, I don't understand the reason for the | | | | came out higher when he had said his company |
| last one. | | | | charged 30% less. I'd barely managed to ask |
| | | | for an explanation when he hung up. This |
| Actually, the telemarketer who was offering | | | | particular telemarketer taught me that |
| mobility aids was a great example of a bad | | | | telemarketers will tell you anything their |
| telemarketer. His opening gambit was "Good | | | | script requires even if they don't understand |
| morning, madam. I'm from XYZ Company, I | | | | it or know it is a complete lie. |
| expect you've heard of us?" When I replied | | | | |
| "No." his response was a grumpy-sounding "I | | | | This tip might help:- Tell them to talk very |
| can't think why not". So, did he ring just to | | | | slowly, because you want to write every word |
| point out that I'm ignorant? When he hurried | | | | down. Alternatively this might work:- Insist |
| on with his script and asked me if I have any | | | | that the caller is really your buddy Leon, |
| difficulty getting in or out of the house, I | | | | playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! |
| was tempted to reply "Only when I'm drunk" | | | | Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" |
| but I managed to bite my lip on that one: | | | | |
| "no" is definitely the only safe word to use | | | | Telemarketers should be treated like children |
| when dealing with telemarketers. | | | | at bedtime: use a firm tone when saying "no" |
| | | | and do not be drawn into conversation. I have |
| A better way of dealing with this type of | | | | tried ignoring the "How are you today" but |
| call is the following tip:- If they say | | | | that just means they launch straight into the |
| they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them | | | | script. Next time I am going to try "I'm so |
| to spell their name. Then ask them to spell | | | | glad you asked, because no one these days |
| the company name. Then ask them where it is | | | | seems to care, and I have all these problems. |
| located, how long it has been in business, | | | | My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are |
| how many people work there, how they got into | | | | sore, my dog just died . . . " |
| this line of work if they are married, how | | | | |
| many kids they have, etc. Continue asking | | | | I've tried asking pointedly: "What do you |
| them personal questions or questions about | | | | actually want?" but the reply was "I want to |
| their company for as long as necessary. | | | | try to save you money" (how kind considering |
| | | | we are perfect strangers). If only I'd |
| Alternatively try this tip:- Tell them you | | | | received the telemarketer joke before this I |
| are hard of hearing and that they need to | | | | would have said "I just filed for bankruptcy |
| speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . | | | | and I could sure use some money". |
| | | | |
| The telemarketers for mobile phone companies | | | | I've also tried "Are you selling something?" |
| are the thickest skinned and most persistent | | | | but they never fall into the trap of |
| variety of the species I have encountered so | | | | answering that one. For days when I'm not |
| far. They also tend to have the strongest | | | | busy and fancy a little fun, I'm keeping a |
| accents and I feel mean giving them a hard | | | | crossword puzzle on my desk. I'll ask every |
| time when they are at a disadvantage to begin | | | | telemarketer who calls to help me solve some |
| with. I always used to answer their questions | | | | clues. I've made out a score card for me -v- |
| in the hope that they would realise that I | | | | telemarketers and I give myself double points |
| was not a good prospect for mobile phone | | | | each time I can force a telemarketer to hang |
| upgrades. When I asked the last mobile phone | | | | up. |