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The American Umpire. Conducting The American Empire In A Way That's As Fair As The Calls In Yankee Stadium.

We were sitting here trying, as usual,think he or she should swing. In other
to figure out how today's America,words, we'd shy away from intervention,
saddled with the burdens of inadvertentexcept when the player breaks the usual
empire, could conduct itself in therules of the game or becomes excessively
world so Americans are happy about howrowdy. Then we might give the offender a
we're doing and the rest of the worldwarning and, if that fails to moderate
might actually either approve or have athe behavior, invoke whatever legitimate
hard time disapproving of our behavior.power we have to eject the troublemaker
We finally hit on an answer that's sofrom the game.
moronic we knew right away it has realWe'd also know, like any competent ref,
potential.to let the overall game go on as best as
We behave as if we're the Americanthe players can perform, while we may,
Umpire, that is, we call the balls andif we choose, cast a smile at the
strikes in the global games based on thewinners or a sympathetic look at the
principle we've all grown up with, canlosers. And when another nation hits a
understand, and most of the world evenhomer, we certainly wouldn't attempt to
admires: fair play.trip the runner while he rounds the
And, being the ump, we expect thebases.
players to respond with goodAnd coincidence of coincidences. No
sportsmanship, no matter which way thesooner did we approve the cartoon to
calls go.illustrate this simple but super
Needless to say, part of this easilyprinciple than we saw confirmation that
understandable and highly commendableit has real possibilities. The following
modus operandi requires us to call theheadline, from the Associated Press,
balls and strikes fairly on ourselves,appeared on Yahoo: "Bush To Referee
too, even when Uncle Sam strikes out.Karzai, Musharraf Dinner."
Of course, you can advance moreNo matter what our feelings are about
intellectual principles by which weBush's overall performance, we sensed he
should conduct ourselves as the world'swould do well. Although we doubt he had
super-duper power. But we think behavingthe specific inspiration in mind of
as if we're the American Umpire is thebeing the ump, just having grown up with
principle that most Americans cana sense of fair play would help make him
understand and be proud to be part ofcomfortable in such a role.
and that can lead to conduct on the partApparently, he refereed admirably. The
of the USA that encourages other nationsthree agreed to increase their
to cheer us on.cooperation in fighting terrorism.
In the land of Yankee Stadium, we learnAs Musharraf said, "The meeting that I
from the time we're children about theheld with President Bush and Hamid
necessity for fair play and the demandsKarzai last night was very good. It was
of good sportsmanship. What American kiddecided that we should have a common
hasn't had to make terms with the factstrategy. We have to fight terrorism. We
that the ump just called strike three,have to defeat it, defeat it jointly."
maybe even with the bases loaded, thatThat's quite a departure from the usual
roughing the kicker just resulted in aways Musharraf and Karzai have pointed
penalty, or that committing the fifththeir fingers at each other. But the
foul of an important basketball gameplayers still had a hard time making
landed the player on the bench, like itnice. At the press conference that
or not.followed the dinner, the two shook the
Even if we moderate or lose our interestump's hand but couldn't bring themselves
in sports when we become adults, most ofto shake each other's. What was missing?
us still retain our sense of fair play.You guessed it. A little more good
Of course, many other nations have asportsmanship.
highly developed sense of fair play,But a couple of days later, we noted
particularly, we think, England, whichthat Hamid Karzai announced that he and
may help explain why the UK and the USMusharraf will jointly lead a series of
often agree on policy.tribal meetings along their common
But look high and low around the globeborder in an attempt to decrease attacks
and tell us how many countries youon Afghanistan by the Pakistan-based
detect with an allegiance to theTaliban. Is that progress or what? And
principle that is more ingrained than itthe American Umpire played a positive
is in America. At any rate, it's so muchrole.
a part of the persona of the gringo thatLest you believe we are mindlessly
it qualifies as an inviting alternativeadvocating a problematic solution, we
to our present uncertainty andcan only say that the very idea that it
ineptitude.presents any semblance of superiority
In fact, if you look at a lot of theover our present international conduct
world, particularly its "cleverer"says more than enough to justifiy
locales, you notice that as an operatingmountains of enthusiasm.
principle fair play doesn't have much ofSo, whatever you do, do not
a place. The frequent modus is trying tounderestimate this idiotic principle.
win by hook, crook, or even murder. WhatRemember the saying, whether or not
prevails is thinking small quickly,Wellington actually coined it, "Napoleon
instead of big fairly, sort of like awas defeated on the playing fields of
scurrying bug on a table top. What theEton." And we've got at least as much
wise onlooker knows to do is watch and,training as the limeys do on playing
at just the right moment, brush it awayfields all across the land of the
or outright swat the critter.Yankee.
The concept can also guide us away fromThe preseason warm ups are over. It's
our worst international missteps. Whentime for the regular season to begin. So
we see ourselves as calling the ballslet's hear the American Umpire call,
and strikes as fairly as we can, we'd"Let's play ball!"
know to let the batters swing the wayIt would be especially winning to see
they want to. We wouldn't reach over,the President throw out the first ball.
grab the bat, and demonstrate how we



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