| We were sitting here trying, as usual, | | | | think he or she should swing. In other |
| to figure out how today's America, | | | | words, we'd shy away from intervention, |
| saddled with the burdens of inadvertent | | | | except when the player breaks the usual |
| empire, could conduct itself in the | | | | rules of the game or becomes excessively |
| world so Americans are happy about how | | | | rowdy. Then we might give the offender a |
| we're doing and the rest of the world | | | | warning and, if that fails to moderate |
| might actually either approve or have a | | | | the behavior, invoke whatever legitimate |
| hard time disapproving of our behavior. | | | | power we have to eject the troublemaker |
| We finally hit on an answer that's so | | | | from the game. |
| moronic we knew right away it has real | | | | We'd also know, like any competent ref, |
| potential. | | | | to let the overall game go on as best as |
| We behave as if we're the American | | | | the players can perform, while we may, |
| Umpire, that is, we call the balls and | | | | if we choose, cast a smile at the |
| strikes in the global games based on the | | | | winners or a sympathetic look at the |
| principle we've all grown up with, can | | | | losers. And when another nation hits a |
| understand, and most of the world even | | | | homer, we certainly wouldn't attempt to |
| admires: fair play. | | | | trip the runner while he rounds the |
| And, being the ump, we expect the | | | | bases. |
| players to respond with good | | | | And coincidence of coincidences. No |
| sportsmanship, no matter which way the | | | | sooner did we approve the cartoon to |
| calls go. | | | | illustrate this simple but super |
| Needless to say, part of this easily | | | | principle than we saw confirmation that |
| understandable and highly commendable | | | | it has real possibilities. The following |
| modus operandi requires us to call the | | | | headline, from the Associated Press, |
| balls and strikes fairly on ourselves, | | | | appeared on Yahoo: "Bush To Referee |
| too, even when Uncle Sam strikes out. | | | | Karzai, Musharraf Dinner." |
| Of course, you can advance more | | | | No matter what our feelings are about |
| intellectual principles by which we | | | | Bush's overall performance, we sensed he |
| should conduct ourselves as the world's | | | | would do well. Although we doubt he had |
| super-duper power. But we think behaving | | | | the specific inspiration in mind of |
| as if we're the American Umpire is the | | | | being the ump, just having grown up with |
| principle that most Americans can | | | | a sense of fair play would help make him |
| understand and be proud to be part of | | | | comfortable in such a role. |
| and that can lead to conduct on the part | | | | Apparently, he refereed admirably. The |
| of the USA that encourages other nations | | | | three agreed to increase their |
| to cheer us on. | | | | cooperation in fighting terrorism. |
| In the land of Yankee Stadium, we learn | | | | As Musharraf said, "The meeting that I |
| from the time we're children about the | | | | held with President Bush and Hamid |
| necessity for fair play and the demands | | | | Karzai last night was very good. It was |
| of good sportsmanship. What American kid | | | | decided that we should have a common |
| hasn't had to make terms with the fact | | | | strategy. We have to fight terrorism. We |
| that the ump just called strike three, | | | | have to defeat it, defeat it jointly." |
| maybe even with the bases loaded, that | | | | That's quite a departure from the usual |
| roughing the kicker just resulted in a | | | | ways Musharraf and Karzai have pointed |
| penalty, or that committing the fifth | | | | their fingers at each other. But the |
| foul of an important basketball game | | | | players still had a hard time making |
| landed the player on the bench, like it | | | | nice. At the press conference that |
| or not. | | | | followed the dinner, the two shook the |
| Even if we moderate or lose our interest | | | | ump's hand but couldn't bring themselves |
| in sports when we become adults, most of | | | | to shake each other's. What was missing? |
| us still retain our sense of fair play. | | | | You guessed it. A little more good |
| Of course, many other nations have a | | | | sportsmanship. |
| highly developed sense of fair play, | | | | But a couple of days later, we noted |
| particularly, we think, England, which | | | | that Hamid Karzai announced that he and |
| may help explain why the UK and the US | | | | Musharraf will jointly lead a series of |
| often agree on policy. | | | | tribal meetings along their common |
| But look high and low around the globe | | | | border in an attempt to decrease attacks |
| and tell us how many countries you | | | | on Afghanistan by the Pakistan-based |
| detect with an allegiance to the | | | | Taliban. Is that progress or what? And |
| principle that is more ingrained than it | | | | the American Umpire played a positive |
| is in America. At any rate, it's so much | | | | role. |
| a part of the persona of the gringo that | | | | Lest you believe we are mindlessly |
| it qualifies as an inviting alternative | | | | advocating a problematic solution, we |
| to our present uncertainty and | | | | can only say that the very idea that it |
| ineptitude. | | | | presents any semblance of superiority |
| In fact, if you look at a lot of the | | | | over our present international conduct |
| world, particularly its "cleverer" | | | | says more than enough to justifiy |
| locales, you notice that as an operating | | | | mountains of enthusiasm. |
| principle fair play doesn't have much of | | | | So, whatever you do, do not |
| a place. The frequent modus is trying to | | | | underestimate this idiotic principle. |
| win by hook, crook, or even murder. What | | | | Remember the saying, whether or not |
| prevails is thinking small quickly, | | | | Wellington actually coined it, "Napoleon |
| instead of big fairly, sort of like a | | | | was defeated on the playing fields of |
| scurrying bug on a table top. What the | | | | Eton." And we've got at least as much |
| wise onlooker knows to do is watch and, | | | | training as the limeys do on playing |
| at just the right moment, brush it away | | | | fields all across the land of the |
| or outright swat the critter. | | | | Yankee. |
| The concept can also guide us away from | | | | The preseason warm ups are over. It's |
| our worst international missteps. When | | | | time for the regular season to begin. So |
| we see ourselves as calling the balls | | | | let's hear the American Umpire call, |
| and strikes as fairly as we can, we'd | | | | "Let's play ball!" |
| know to let the batters swing the way | | | | It would be especially winning to see |
| they want to. We wouldn't reach over, | | | | the President throw out the first ball. |
| grab the bat, and demonstrate how we | | | | |